Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
