FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
