I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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