I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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