When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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