So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
