I wish I only lived at night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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