can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am one with the molecules
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize