theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
