woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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