Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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