I wish I only lived at night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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