Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
