Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
