so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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