if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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