She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
