i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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