I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
