Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
