Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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