I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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