sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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