No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
