I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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