On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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