4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize