NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
