She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
