"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
