I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
