You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
