New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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