best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Houston, we have a squirter
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize