you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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