You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
