We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
