The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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