Pants 0. Shit 1.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
