4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
