It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
