Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize