my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize