When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
