I'm so fucking centered right now
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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