Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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