$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize