I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize