My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
