Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
