the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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