I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
