All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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