I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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