do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize