I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
