let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
