I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize